January 20th-border crossing
January 21-23 Sihanoukville
In Thailand, when I mentioned Cambodia would be my next destination, I would constantly hear the same warnings.
"You mean SCAMbodia?! They screw you before you even get into the country, immigration takes hours and you have to pay everyone a bribe!!"
It seemed that many people had had the same experience.
Apparently, when you get to the Thai-Cambodia border, you first have to go through Thai customs to "check-out" of Thailand. Then you enter a sort of no man's land, where you are in between both Thailand and Cambodia.
There, Cambodians set up fake visa and immigration checkpoints. They convince you that you need to first check in with them.
The unsuspecting tourist, hands "the official" their passport and visa...
Then they hold on to it until you pay them to get it back!
Sometimes there are fake "medical" checkpoints where scammers take your temperature, look at your passport and then tell you how much is needed to pay to get your passport back along with a clean bill of health!
Once you finally make it through all of the low-life scammers, you get to the real official immigration employees...and often they scam you too! Everyone I met had to bribe the officers in order for them to get their passport/visa stamped. Other times, the lines to get in the country are so long, you can spend hours waiting in the sun, then miss your bus that takes you to your final destination. Some Swedes I met later on in my trip, told me they paid 200 baht each ($6.5) and were immediately put in the VIP line instead of waiting the estimated 4 hours. The advice I received from Kevin (dude I met in Austin this past summer who told me about his years living in Cambodia) is copied verbatim from our FB convo: "Cambodian Visas are easy to get, and I don't think there is a departure tax from Thailand. Maybe the dudes in customs will hit you up for a tip, but the best advice is give it. Cambodia has a lower cost for bribery than anywhere else in SE Asia. The fee for the visa is $25. They may try to charge you more, but confirm the rate beforehand. In Cambodia, even if youre going to stab someone in the neck, always smile and don't get annoyed or raise your voice. This is the key to Asian interactions."
Armed with all of this information, I felt I was ready to take on the Cambodian fraudsters. On the bus to the Thai/Cambodia border, I started talking to the guy sitting next to me. He was a Philippino who had been working in Cambodia for the past few years as a pit boss in a casino. He crosses the border several times a month and has it down to a science. I tell him I had gotten my Cambodian e-visa ahead of time, and show him my printout. He tells me I shouldn't have any trouble, and to pay a small bribe if it means saving hours of lost time.
I get to the border. Pass the Thai side no problem. Keep walking. See some scammers. Ignore them and keep walking. I make it to the real immigration bureau. I'm 3rd in line. I hardly wait 2 minutes and it's my turn. I can't believe how well it's going. I make a mental note to sacrifice several goats to the gods of immigration. I hand the officer my passport and visa printout.
He takes them both, dips his stamp on the ink pad, is about to stamp my passport, then stops.
He looks up at me with the eye of the scammer.
Pointing to my visa, he tells me I will require a SECOND copy before I am able to get into the country.
I explode in rage inside my brain. I start mind-yelling "YOU CHEATING AND LYING MOT$%#$^&KERS! I BET YOU TRY TO CHARGE ME $300 FOR SOME BULL#$%^ RULE YOU JUST MADE UP!"
I tell him no, I paid for the printout visa already, he must accept it. He speaks Khmer to me and points to the visa printout.
Yeaaah, I get it dude, you want me to pay more!
Cheats! Liars! Corrupted, miserable people!
He points to my printout again and talks some more.
I'm confused. He's trying to show me something.
I look to what his finger is pointing to.
Right there, underneath the visa picture, typed in very legible English, unobstructed, 12 point black font is the sentence: "2 copies of the e-visa printout are needed to enter the country."
Ohhhh. Sorry for all of the bad thoughts I sent your way officer. With a smile on his face, the officer tells me that the closest copying machine is in the casino a few hundred yards away...inside the Cambodia border. In order to enter the country, I would need to go make a photo copy of my visa inside the country that I can't enter. I was struck.
My Philippino Casino pit boss overhears all of this and sends his errand boy to run to the casino for me. He is gone a grand total of 5 minutes and returns with two copies of my visa. I hand them to the officer, thank him, and enter Cambodia without having had to pay a single bribe.
Operation "Big Dumb Stoopid Tourist" was successful.
I spend the night in the border town of Koh Kong, stayed in a nice little hotel for $12.
Sihanoukville is described in travel guides as "Cambodia's premier beach destination." The town is interesting. Buzzing with tourists, it has grown to accommodate the growing demand that we foreigners bring. But it remains a very small, Cambodian town. Meaning many streets are not paved and the ones that are have more potholes than concrete. Guesthouses line the beach front along with restaurants and bars.
The main part of the city is located on it's central "party" beach, called Serendipity Beach. Though stunningly beautiful with white sand and clear waters, it is the most crowded beach in Cambodia. It is like a miniature Cancun. At night, it's quite awesome because there are about 20 bars on the beach all contained in a 100 yard stretch. However, during the day, there are much nicer and more deserted nearby beaches to go to, such as Otres beach.
Having arrived in Sihanoukville late in the afternoon, I check into a $3 a night dorm and head to the beach for a quick swim. Floating there in the crystal blue waters, I remember thinking this had to be close to what paradise resembled.
As I come back to my dorm to shower, 7 Swedish guys walk in, all of them drunk from the day-long booze cruise they just got done with. We immediately become best friends and they invite me to come out with them that night.
Por had talked about how in Sihanoukville, at Serendipity beach, booze was cheaper than water, and that much of it was free. Allow me to paint you this alcohol fueled portrait of the nightlife.
I am CONVINCED that all of the western-owned bars on Serendipity beach are drug fronts (or other illegal activity fronts.)
When not discounted for happy hour (which is about 6 hours a day), beer costs $0.75. Mixed drinks can be up to $2.50 and buckets, I repeat, BUCKETS of mixed drinks are around $3.50.
During happy hour, beer drops to $0.25-$0.50 and buckets are discounted even further.
But wait there's more. Throughout the day, employees of the various bars, walk around the beach and hand out fliers. On these fliers it tells you the specials at that bar, for that night. With the possession of the flier, you get one free shot and one free beer upon arrival. Don't fret if you lose the flier, they hand them out at the entrance of the bars at night. On top of the free shot and beer, you get a free drink between a specific set of time at some point in the night. Also, buckets cost $1 with the flier. BUCKETS!
The thing that makes it truly special is that ALL OF THE BARS DO THIS! Meaning, if you just walk 4 feet down the beach to the next bar, you get another free beer, free shot, and free drink. Rinse and repeat.
All the bars also sell "happy" balloons. They fill a balloon up with NO2 (nitrous oxide or "nos") and sell them for tourists to get high on.
The bars are filled with western tourists, but all is not what it seems...
You see, all of these western owned bars have signs that say "Western Help wanted." When you inquire about the position, they tell you that you get a free bed in a dorm above the bar, you need to hand out fliers during the day, you drink and eat for free, and you MUST be inside the bar between the hours of 9pm--3am. You don't have to be bartending or anything, though you certainly can. You just have to BE there. Drinking, partying, having a good time. That way, the bar always seems full, even though it is filled with "employees" that don't get paid and drink for free, and tourists that also, drink for free... The owners don't even live in Cambodia and on an extremely busy day, a bar MIGHT rake in $100. That is enough money in Cambodia, but not if you live in the Western world. Which is why I think these are fake businesses. If anyone has proof that these are legitimate mom and pop businesses that make a good living in Cambodia, I will be stubborn and refuse to listen. I know this to be true, even if it's not!
Regardless, the 7 Swedish guys and a few others from our dorm went out to get dinner and $0.25 happy hour beer. These dudes had been best buds since grade school. Apparently, a long time ago they all made a pact that at the age of 22, they will each have saved up enough money so that they could all simultaneously quit their jobs and travel the world together for a year or more. And come December of last year (a few months ago) they all actually did it. That is one of the coolest pacts I've ever heard of. And the fact that they all did it is incredible.
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However, everything is significantly more difficult with 7 people acting as one. Since I'm traveling alone, I can do anything, at anytime. I don't need to come to a group decision about anything. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to find accommodation for 7 people anywhere, most places are usually fully booked. It's even nearly impossible to come to a group decision on what movie to watch.
One night, we all went to a Cambodian movie "theater." I put it in quotes because it has got to be one of the most illegal operations I have ever come across. On TripAdvisor, it is a highly recommended activity to do in Sihanoukville. Some white foreigner converted his living room into a movie room. It has enough couches to comfortably sit about 20 people. There is a huge screen projection with top of the line speakers. He sells drinks and snacks and the sign outside says you can "byoj" or bring your own joint. What makes it illegal is that you can choose to watch any movie you want. He will pirate and download anything available. Even movies still out in theaters. We watched the Wolf of Wall street starring DiCaprio. He charges $6 per person to watch a film and pockets all of it. I doubt there are many copyright laws in Cambodia (there don't seem to be any laws at all) but it's just funny how things work in other countries.
Then there's the topic of the drugs here. Though drugs are EXTREMELY illegal in Cambodia, punishable by many decades in prison, weed and shrooms are openly sold absolutely everywhere. Very similar to Amsterdam. People smoke on the streets, in bars, in dorms, on the beach, everywhere. And no one seems to care. You never see police in Cambodia except on rare occasions where they ride scooters and pull over tourists to charge them $1. A British owner of a bungalow guesthouse/restaurant/bar (Hi Paddy) told me that the police never crack down on these businesses. Ever....until they do. And then he said they threaten you with decades in prison unless you can come up with many thousands of dollars in bribes. Even if you can pay they still shut you down. If you can't pay, bye bye bye.
Early that first night, while we were having $0.25 beers, I decided to get my Swedish language lesson out of the way. So I had Gustav teach me how to say "I don't speak Swedish, but I understand everything."
Which looks and sounds something like this "Jag pratar inte svenska, men jag förstår allt."
It was hard for me memorize and learn, but after a while I had it down. I waited 25 minutes or so, then went up to Lucas and told him the sentence. Great success! He thought, for a split second, that I could understand everything they had been saying. Now I just need to learn that phrase in every other language, and I'll be set.
By the way, I'm writing this sitting in a "VIP" express van from Phnom Penh to Siem Reap. The traffic and the way people drive here is nuts. Since it's like this everywhere, and I'm a professional scooter driver, I guess I've gotten slightly jaded and have accepted the madness. Here's how it works in these here patts. There are no traffic laws. You just go. If you can go fast, then you do. If you can't, or don't want to, then you don't. Size dictates all interactions. The larger vehicle always has the right of way, in every situation. This is because no one stops. For any reason, ever. So if you don't yield to the larger vehicle, you die. At large intersections, you don't stop, you just stay out of the way of bigger vehicles. If there is a stop light (very rare) you ignore it completely, just like everybody else. On Cambodian "highways" which are nothing more than narrow two way roads that are either paved with holes or dirt with dust, they constantly play a game of chicken. Its actually quite terrifying if you don't know what to expect. For instance, right now, we are flying down the middle of the road at 130km per hour. A car is heading straight for us, also driving in the middle of the road, coming the opposite way, moving just as fast. Since our van is bigger than the car, at the last possible second, the car swerves back into it's lane, never slowing down. The motorbikes and bicycles move to the very far side of the road as we zoom by them, honking the whole time. Because here everyone honks, all the time, for no reason. And you thought your commute was stressful.
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| Share the road with cows. And tuktuks. |
...At some point I'm with Lucas and Gustav (two of the Swedes) and we go to a bar with our free drink fliers. As I'm about to hand my flier to the bartender, I notice something on the back. Someone had hand written something. It said "Challenge Ross to a shotgun race." So instead of handing over my flier, I yell "OY ROSS!" One of the dude bartenders turns his head in response. I show him the back of the flier, and he prepares himself for battle.
For the those who do not know what a beer shotgun is, try to think of it as a beerbong in a can. You puncture the bottom of the beer can with a knife and hold the beer upside down. Then you put your mouth on the opening you just created and simultaneously pop open the top of the beer can, now holding the beer right side up. The "popping" of the tab could be imagined to sound like cocking a shotgun, and the beer shoots down your throat.
He hands me a beer and we both do it. It was either a tie or he may have finished right before me. But I got a free beer. You tell me who won.
Later in the night, having already had my fair share of drinks at that point, I think my objective was to make it back to the dorms. I got separated from my new Swedish friends and ended up at a bar alone. At the bar entrance, one of the employees was offering the habitual free shot for anyone who agreed to also go in and get a free beer at the bar (Cambodia logic is fun).
The employee must gave turned his back for maybe 10 seconds. When he turned back around he was probably confused.
I had completely commandeered his shot table. I was pouring shots and handing them to passerbys left and right. If one of them tried to say no, I would yell "WHAT'S THE MATTER, DON'T YOU LIKE HAVING FUN ON VACATION!? OR ARE YOU JUST ALLERGIC TO FREE ALCOHOL?! CAPTAIN BUZZKILL OVER HERE!"
Then once they came over to my table, I made them promise me to also go get a free beer at the bar otherwise I would not serve them the shot. Of course everyone agreed. So I would pour them and myself a shot, we'd cheers and they'd go inside. The dude who's table I had stolen, loved this and thought I was hilarious. So he gave me a puppy.
She told me who she was, and then offered me a job.
I said "HELLYEAH!" and she told me to come back the next morning.
I never showed up and didn't see her again.
If Dan don't pay for strange, then Paul don't work for free.
The next day Bas, a genuine guy from the Netherlands that was also in the same dorm as me, and I each rented a scooter ($6 per day). There was a waterfall about 30 kilometers away that I wanted to go check out. Normally, when you rent a scooter, the guy makes you fill out a form where you write down your name and passport number. Then, they hold on to your passport as collateral. I usually write slightly false information down for everything, and make up a fake passport number.
However, when we rented the scooters this time, they only took Bas's passport. One passport, 2 scooters, and fake info. Bad move bro.
We made our way to the waterfall, which ended up being sort of disappointing to be honest. It is the dry season, yet there was still plenty of water. What made it sub-par was the general atmosphere and landscape of the area. The entire place is filled with trash. Because when Cambodians get done with anything, they just throw it on the ground. So in cities, there is trash and litter kind of everywhere, but you almost expect as much in a big city. But the waterfall was in the middle of nowhere, I guess I expected less trash. However the drive there was worth the trip. By riding a scooter, you get to witness the "real" Cambodia.
The level of poverty is astonishing. But poverty is relative. So though you see families on the side of the road that appear to be living in a wooden shack/house on the side of the road, they seem to be much better off than others.. The ones with wooden bamboo shacks have chickens and livestock and land. Some have nothing.
You also see monkeys. They are everywhere here. When I first saw one on the side of the road, I got all excited and stopped to take a photo.
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| There are 10 in this pic. Count them. |
We paid to rent the scooters till noon the next day, but Bas had a bus to catch. So he returned his scooter...and got his passport back. I now had a free scooter.
Cambodians burn everything, especially their trash. Sometimes, their trash fires get out of hand. So what was a perfectly good road on the way to the waterfall, was now impassable due to a fallen tree. In Cambodia, trash kill tree, and tree kill you!
They also have a sweet bridge to an island. Apparently some wealthy Russian dude wanted his own island. So he bought one, and built a huge bridge to it. He planned on building hotels and homes on the island. What he didn't plan on, was going to prison for drug smuggling, or money laundering. So now you see half built buildings from the coast, and there is a guard that will not let you on the bridge. They built a bridge to nowhere, but they can't see Russia from their backyard.
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| Sign on the bridge. You're never really sure wtf the signs really mean. |
I think sometimes Cambodians are told to work.
*This interaction is best read in longhorn voices*
"But what will I do for work?" they ask their boss.
"You will sweep the dust" he replies.
"But we live on a beach" they reason.
And then....they "work."
My last day in Sihanoukville, I took my scooter and went to Otres beach. It's a beautiful beach that is much more remote and less crowded than the party beach. I went in the morning, ordered a cappuccino and hung out on the beach. Within 10 minutes I was talking to the two dudes next to me. These guys were from Switzerland and were traveling the world for a month or two, taking a long vacation from their jobs. They were kewl, so we chilled at the beach all day having $0.50 beer. In the afternoon, one of the kids walking up and down the beach asked us if we wanted to go fishing, snorkeling and harpoon fishing from 4--7:30pm for $10. I immediately said yes and the two dudes also wanted to come.
So we all went on some fishing boat and had a great time for 3 hours. On the boat was a newlywed couple on their honeymoon from Minnesota. I told them I met Wee-Man, from Jackass, in Minneapolis once. They were impressed. There were also two cute Belgian girls onboard. I went harpoon fishing while the others fished or snorkeled. I ended up killing a 6 foot barracuda, but no one else saw me do it. I un-harpooned it and told him to get on his way, and to stop screwing around.
That night we decided to all go out together by my hotel. The Swiss dudes got a TukTuk back, and I told the girls they could ride on the back of my scooter.
"Are you comfortable enough riding a scooter to take us both?" one asked.
"Oh yeah, I have one of these back in the States, I ride all the time" I lied.
They hop on the back.
I realize that my headlights don't work.
It's pitch black.
For the next 6 minutes, we embark on a terrifying journey.
There are no street lights. I had turned on my blinker, so every 2 seconds for a swift blink, the road was lit up in a very dim yellow hue. The girls held on for dear life. We finally caught up to a TukTuk, and I road his ass the last 13 minutes, using his headlights as my own.
Making it back alive, I breathe a sigh of relief and say, "I honestly didn't think we were going to make it. I figured this was how we died."
They ask if I've ever ridden without headlights before.
"No" I reply, "in fact, this is only my 3rd time driving a scooter. Ever."
At that same instant, 2 Cambodian men jump out of the shadows.
It's the dude who's scooter I had not returned (7 hours late).
I greet them as if I had been expecting him, toss him the keys & $2, and go take a shower.
That night we go out dancing until 3 am and then I go to sleep.
I had a 2pm ferry to catch the following day to the island of Koh Rong.
The cool French dude, Hugo, that I had met at the free shot table a couple of nights before (I had to tell him I never really worked there) waas going to meet me there the following day.
So I bid Sihanoukville farewell, to get on a boat to what would turn out to be the most beautiful beach in the world.
Now I'm going to bed because the SuperBowl starts at 6:30 tomorrow morning.
Go Broncos.
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