Koh Phagnan Tattoo

*

Koh Phagnan

After a short 1 hour flight, I touched down in Surat Thani, the closest airport to the boats that go to Koh Samui, Koh Phagnan, and Koh Tao.

I purchased a bus/boat combo ticket at the airport, which would get me to Koh Phagnan by that same afternoon.

When I got in line to get on the boat, I reached in my pockets for my boat ticket.
Wasn't in my left pocket.
No big deal, it's probably in my right one.
Nope.

I had already passed the ticket counter long ago and they had said that the boat was full. Sold out.

So even though I had a ticket, I lost it, and they would not have let me buy another.

I had to get on that island. So I went into stealth mode.

Being inconspicuous by the way, is quite difficult when I tower above the locals, am white, and have a huge green backpack on.

I quickly assessed the situation and looked ahead to the security guards at the front of the line that were checking everyone's ticket.
There's no way I could sneak past them.
So my best option was to not be sneaky.

I calmly stepped out of line, and walked past the 30 or so people in front of me.

Tourists were giving me dirty looks, because they thought I had the balls to cut in line. Cutting in line is for communists and fat people.

Instead, as I approached the security guards, one of them saw me and made eye contact. I never slowed my walk, nodded at him while staring him in the eyes, then looked forward and walked right past him and his guard friend.

Once in the ship, I calmly turned a corner, and as soon as I was out of sight, I immediately sprinted up some stairs, hid my backpack in a corner, and sat down quietly.

After a few minutes, once it became obvious that no one was chasing me, I got thirsty.

I went up to the food counter to buy a coke, I reach in my wallet, and pull out....my boat ticket.

Oh well, I guess my sneakiness skills will come in handy one day. They already have on several occasions, like sneaking in to Six Flags or The Louvre.

Pulling into Koh Phagnan, I managed to snap a sweet picture of the island through a small window.

One of the first things you see getting on the island, is an official government sign informing you that pretty much, chances are that you will get roofied. Jokes on them, I've been roofying myself for years, just to build up a tolerance. Kids, don't try this at home, it doesn't work and I have no recollection of 2010.

The reason I wanted to go to Koh Phagnan, is for the famous full moon party. Legend has it that sometime in the late 80's or early 90's, a small group of friends had a small little get together on Haad Rin beach during the full moon one night. They had a lot of fun, so they decided to meet back up in one month for the same thing.

Each friend brought a buddy or two the next time and they all had a small, good time. Then, as with all good things, word got out.

You know when your parents were out of town over the summer or in high school and you thought "I'll just have a couple people over" but those people ended up bringing friends and next thing you know your mom's antique lamp is shattered?

That's kinda how this is. Every month, for the full moon, people from all over the world come to this beach to party. They expect anywhere between 30,000 and 60,000 people. For the full moon I went to, February 15th, it was around 45,000 strong.

But that wasn't until 6 nights from now. So I had time to explore the island.

Koh Phagnan island is quite big, and because of all the money that the full-moon party brings in, mostly all of the roads are legit concrete paved.

I rented a scooter from the massage/guesthouse ladies (the same bungalows where I was staying) for 6 days for 130 Baht a day ($4.50) and used this to explorify the island.

On my second day, I ate breakfast at a beach-side restaurant run by an Australian guy (or British? I still can't tell accents apart) who told me where  the best beaches on the island were.

"Koh Ma beach is the best snorkeling in Thailand" he claimed, "but my favorite beach on the island is the secluded Haad Than Sadet beach."

He showed me both places on a map and I saw that there  was an access road leading to the secluded beach.

"Sweet  I can just ride my scooter there" I exclaimed.
"How good are you on the bike?" British/Australian man asked.
"Uhhh, what? I mean I'm comfortable on a scooter, what do you mean, 'good'? Like, I can't do tricks or anything." I replied.
"No, no, nothing like that. Just the road is quite dangerous around the end. But if you know how to ride, you'll be fine." he warned.

*I don't know how to ride, I'm just a dumb poor little white boy who is on an island vacation.*

I first went to the snorkeling beach. My god was he right! From the shore I barely had to swim out at all and I encountered huge coral reefs with so many different fish. All sorts of awesome colors and, diving about 15 feet to see what was under this huge rock, the biggest  ugliest fish scared the shit out of me. This thing was close to my size and had a fat gaping ugly mouth that just stared at  me, as if contemplating whether or not is would try to eat my foot. I will come back with dynamite and hunt it, Crocodile Dundee style.

Side story: I'm writing this after eating breakfast at some restaurant on the island. There is  a dude sitting at the table next to me that will NOT STOP SNORTING AND HAWKING LOOGIES IN HIS THROAT. It's horrifyingly disturbing and  the guttural sounds are making me physically ill. He is a short, out of shape middle-aged white guy. His beach blond shoulder length hair, does not hide the fact that  it is thinning and he is mostly bald. To top it all off, he is wearing a Steve Jobs tank top, that has the year of his birth and death. I HATE THIS MAN.
Update: The guy must be psychic because he left literally the instant I finished writing this paragraph.

The next day, after checking out a waterfall that was almost completely dry (but offered a great view of the island), I headed towards the "hard to access secluded beach."

The first 15 minutes included going up and down paved hills. Didn't seem so dangerous. Then the road became half-paved. There would be stretches of pavement inter-connected with gravel roads. Alright, not the best roads but not too dangerous.
Then the road became  completely dirt, for about 5 minutes. I just went slower, no problem.
Then the sand came. If you don't know, when riding any type of two wheeled vehicle in sand, if you hit the breaks, the wheels lock and the bike almost immediately turns sideways and falls. Never brake on sand.

I get to the top of a dirt hill. I slow down. Looking down, I can tell that the downward slope of this verrry steep hill, is entirely made of sand. Not only that, but rainwater runoff had engraved deep trenches in the road, littering it with miniature canyons and random deep potholes. There are a couple bikes parked at the top of this hill, where I have now  stopped.

I assess the road. It looks bad. Very bad. I know that if I hit the brakes at any moment, I'll crash. I know I'm not good enough on a scooter to take on this traitorous hill.
"Maybe the hill looks worse  than it actually is, in which case you could do it!" whispered the devil sitting on my shoulder.
I ignored the thought and parked my scooter, shutting off  the engine.

Before I even had time to get off  of the bike, I hear the engine noise of another scooter. I look down, and coming up that same hill, is the oldest/fattest Thai  woman I have ever seen. She effortlessly navigates up the hill and cruises on past me.

My man-pride exploded in a rage fueled furry!
If this woman can do it, so can I!!!!

I start the engine, and go down the hill.
About  3 feet into the descent, I immediately regretted my decision. I was gaining wayyyyy too much speed.
I wasn't even 1/4 of the way down that I was already going faster than I could handle. I saw the sharp turn at the bottom on the hill and knew I would never make it and would just crash and burn into the corner going a million km/hr.
I had to slow down.
So I tapped the brakes. In sand.
My wheels immediately locked themselves and the front wheel got caught in a pothole. The bike fell and I was thrown over the handle bars, down the hill.
Tucking and rolling like an action hero superstar, I picked myself up at the bottom of the hill. I was fine, just some road burn on my knees, elbow and back, but nothing bad. The screen on my phone shattered, doe.

So many people crash their bikes or get burned on exhaust pipes that, in the region, that's called a Koh Phagnan tattoo.

I walked back up to my bike, the front plastic end had shattered off of the bike and the side view mirror was broken. The right side blinker also shattered off and was hanging off the side by a wire. Plus the whole bike was deeply scratched.

This severely pissed me off , because in Thailand, when you rent a scooter  and bring it back even slightly dinged up, the owners claim it as totaled and make you pay $500 or more dollars so they can "buy a new one." Which is total bullshit. All they do is take it to the local Thai repair shop, who fixes it up for them for $10 and then they just keep on renting it out to idiot tourists like myself. But the local repair shops won't accept a broken bike from a foreigner, and would instead just call the owners (it's a small island.)

At the top of the hill, a girl who just saw me crash decided against trying to go down the hill herself.
I told her that I crashed to save her life. Had I not crashed, she would have gone down the hill and broken her neck.
Paul crashed so you could live.

I picked up the pieces of the motorbike, drove it back up the hill, and parked it next to the girl. Turns out I was bleeding much more than I thought, so she got worried and asked me if I needed help. That's when I ripped off my shirt, revealing my superman costume  underneath. I swooped her up in my arms and flew her to the moon.
Or.... we both walked down hill for about 15 minutes until we reached the ocean. The dude from  the restaurant was right, the beach was indeed beautiful. But I'm not sure it was worth the hassle.

I went and disinfected myself in the ocean, and then hung out with  her and her  friends the rest of the afternoon. I drove back that night, with the scooter pieces in my backpack.

I parked my scooter a couple hotels down from mine so that the owners wouldn't see it.

The next morning, I went to the supermarket and bought super glue. I then drove the scooter up to a very secluded part of the mountain were I started to artfully put it back  together.
I had just gotten all of it glued back on, when a local on a motorbike parked beside me and asked what I was doing. Shit.
The bike still definitely looked like it was crashed, and I was covered in newly formed wounds and was holding a sideview mirror in my hand.

I start compulsively lying about someone stealing my bike at a 7-11, and how the thief crashed my bike as I was chasing him. My story made no sense.

The dude, is  confused. He gets off the motorbike and asks me if I crashed. Then immediately asks  if I rented the bike. Before I can answer, he's asking me where I rented it from.

I say I didn't crash and stick to the crazy theft story. He then points to my knees and elbow wounds.
Damn it, what is this guy, Sherlock F#$%*NG Holmes?!

He starts telling me how expensive all the repairs are going to be and the exorbitant amount my rental people are going to charge me. At this point I'm tempted to grab this small dude, throw him into the jungle, and speed off on my super-glued bike.

Then he says this: "Thai people are greedy pigs that will try and get all of your money. These people are screwing all of you tourists. They don't even fix the bike, they just steal your money!"

Okay now I'm confused.

He wasn't a local at all, just looked like one. He was from Burma and was working on the island for an American as a fix-it man / errand boy. He must have had a few bad experiences with Thais, because he had some sort of vendetta against them. For the record, the Thai have been nothing but incredibly nice  and welcoming to me. He tells me he tries to help tourists who have crashed heir bikes.

I follow him up to his workshop. I show him my super-glue job. He's impressed. He then  started sanding the black parts of my scratched up scooter with a piece of broken glass. Once smooth, he rubs black grease on it. It looks good, and only upon close inspection could anyone see the marks.

However, the red plastic is completely screwed and very visible. He says that there is an identical shade of red available in spray paint at the local hardware stores. I thank him profusely. He tells me I have to sand down the plastic before repainting it.

Then, he tells me to follow him the hardware store. After going to three separate ones, no one seems to have that shade of red. He tells me that on the island, all red bikes are that particular shade and that they hide that shade from foreigners. Since I was at the stores with him, they claimed that they didn't have it. So he tells me to  wait for him at this intersection.
He comes  back 5 minutes later with the red chrome color.

We then spent the entire afternoon together.

Once we're done with the bike, it doesn't look awful.
I mean, if you looked at it up close, it was obvious that it had been crashed. I tried to pay this man.

He refused any payment. I had to force him to accept reimbursement for the spray paint he paid for.

I was about to leave, when he asks me if I want "crazy coffee."
Now, my new friend did not speak the best English, so we had a little trouble understanding each other.
But from the grin on his face, I assumed this was no regular coffee.

I politely declined, as I tried to learn what exactly was in his coffee.

He said he wanted to show me.
The leaf is called Kratom.
He told me all about it, and I later looked it up on Wikipedia.
Pretty much, it's morphine.
Thai people have been casually chewing this for centuries. It can either be chewed, or mixed with coffee or milk.

So as he gave me a coca cola to drink, I watched him grab dried leaves of Kratom. He then ground them into a fine powder.
Putting the powdered leaves in a strainer, he let it marinate in coffee for a few minutes.

Then, while he drank his morphine concoction, he told me all about his crazy life.
Having had to flee Burma at a very young age, him and his sister walked all the way to Thailand while getting shot at from helicopters.
He had grew up in Thailand, which is why the locals thought he was Thai.

All I know is he helped me, was a genuinely nice person, and helped me avoid hundreds of dollars worth of repairs.

Here are some of the biggest shrimp I've ever seen. I put a coin the size of a quarter for reference.

Everywhere on the beach, there are tiny little balls of sand rolled up by small crabs. As you walk towards them, they scurry across the sand and disappear into their hole.
However, simply wait long enough with a camera outside their hole, and they will greet you. I called him CrabMan James, LobsterMan Jones's cousin.

I somehow discovered that the best Thai food on the island, is at the local Muay Thai gym. Absolutely delicious, with virtually no waiting time. One of the local fighters explained to me that this was because fighters must eat good food, they must eat it fast, and they must eat t quickly. So ate there 4 nights in a row, watching them train while I had delicious Pad Thai.

Typos are plentiful in Asia, and that's how this place came to serve French Fires with most of their Western meals.
Homemade French Fires, the most dangerous kind to have with a burger.

One of the nights, I went to a May Thai fight with a dude from the gym.
The fights were awesome, but something strange happened before the start of the first fight. A man, dressed in full Muay Thai attire, came out and started dancing. What made it weird was that the guy had Down's Syndrome and that he was dancing to Gangnam Style.
The locals in attendance where laughing, either with him, or at him. Then at the end of his dance, the tourists all gave him huge tips, probably more money than the fighters make.


Also, once the fishermen catch the thousands of squid with their green lights at night, a popular way the locals like to eat them, is dried. Almost like squid jerkey. I found one of the places where they were drying the squid.

-------------------------------------------

I met back up with the girl from Florida that went bungee jumping with me in Thailand. It was awesome because I got to meet the people she was currently traveling with, so just like that, I met a solid group of people from the UK.

The night of the full moon party, I only had one thing to do before I was ready to rage...return my scooter.

You see, I had been parking my scooter at the bar next door to where I was staying. I didn't want the ladies from my hotel to see the damage before I could execute my plan.

Since I rented the bike from the same hotel where I was staying, they didn't take my passport as collateral. That's the most important aspect, without this detail, my plan could not have worked.

Technically, since they didn't have anything of mine as collateral, not my passport and no credit card, I could simply have ditched the scooter in the forest somewhere and disappeared. But nooooo, I've been cursed with a conscience, so I felt compelled to return the bike.

However, there was no way in hell I was gonna pay the 15,000 baht ($500) I "owed."

I wait for the sun to set, so that I can return the scooter under cover of darkness.

I asked one of the English guys if he could come pick me up on his scooter in exactly 5 minutes.

I pull off to the side of the road, and cover my scooter in sand.

Then I ride up to my hotel, and say hello to the two smiling ladies.

"We no see you last few days, you like island? You party?" They ask joyfully.
"Yeah it's great, just returning my scooter, then off to the full moon party..." I reply sheepishly.

I park my scooter in front of their balcony, and start to walk away.
One of the two women comes up to the bike with a wet rag and wipes some of the sand off of a small portion.

She jumps up in anger, "YOU CRASH!!"
I stop in my tracks, freeze, and turn around to face her wrath.
I stare at her innocently, throw my hands to my side and in a high pitched voice I say, "Whaaaaaaat, nooooooo?!"

"Yes, yes!! You crash! You pay!" she yells at me.

Now the funny thing is, she only uncovered maybe 1/10th of the damage. And she wanted to charge me 4000 baht!

I was wearing swim shorts and a tank top, my full moon attire. I didn't have 4000 baht on me.
Eventually, she would uncover all of the damage and charge me the "full" amount, which judging from what she was charging for the small scratch she found, would be absolutely insane. I had to disappear before she saw it all.

I tell her I only have 1,500 baht on me and that I would pay the rest in the morning after the party, before I checked out.

She thinks about this for a second. Just then, my British friend Adam pulls up on his scooter to come pick me up. Right on time.

"Got to go, my friend's here" I say, "I'll see you later!"
I start walking towards him.
"You still stay here one more night, you pay in morning?! You no disappear in middle of night!"

I flash a big smile and in the greasiest voice ever I say "Come onnnnn"

You may be wondering, "But Paul, didn't she just charge you when you went back to pick up your things in the morning?"

That was the ultimate part of the plan.
I had foreseen all of this happening, and so before I even returned the scooter, I had completely emptied my room and moved all of my bags into my friend's hotel room on the other side of the island.

Had I been dishonest and simply burned the bike in the forest, I would have saved 1500 baht.
But instead, I was a good person and returned her bike in perfect working order, minus a few scratches, a paint job, and a badass glue job.

Moral of the story: Burn the bike and kill the Batman.

The full moon party.

After telling everyone the scooter rental story over beer, we all started playing intense games of flip cup.

Half the fun of the full moon party is getting decked out in fluorescent paint.

I had a big American flag painted on my forearm, tridents on my arms, and the words SAME SAME on both of my calves.
Then we just splattered paint all over each other.

The British have awesome slang and can insult people with expressions I've never heard. At one point, they said a girl "had a face like a slapped ass."
I'm not sure I know what that means, but I like it.

When we got to the party, I was still with the 8 people I had come with.
We got to the beach around 1am, and I bought a vodka redbull bucket.

We all walked onto the beach and the feeling was awesome. Just a HUGE party.

The beach takes about 10 minutes to walk from end to end, and there are 10-20 bars/clubs along the sand that just blare their music as loud as possible.
Everyone is dancing, and the beach is packed.
The best part, when dancing at a certain bar, you are free to come and go. As soon as they played a song I wasn't feeling, I would just move over 10 yards along the beach to the next bar.

I think it took about 15 minutes for me to lose absolutely everyone I came with.

Regardless, I partied all night. Coming in to the party, I had set the goal that I would make it to sunrise.

Here are some pics from the party.

Fire games: aka the most retarded thing in the world. They swing gasoline soaked ropes that have been lit on fire, and then drunk tourists try to jump rope. I saw 3 people get burned as the rope wrapped around their legs.
I also saw one dude actually catch fire. His friends tackled him and rolled him in sand until the fire was extinguished.

As the night progresses, more and more people are completely passed out on the sand, San Fermin style. Some people just can't handle Thailand.

I made it to sunrise.

Took a taxi back to get my bags at 8am. Passed out for an hour on some random person's porch, and then made my way to the harbor to go to Koh Tao. I had to start my Scuba certification.