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After 4 nights in Bangkok, I have ascended and achieved Nirvana. I am now completely fluent in Thai, have a FuManchu beard like Mr. Myagi, and my hair is shoulder length and blond.
Highlights of the trip so far...
First off, the 12 hour flight from Seattle to Seoul, South Korea was bananas. Maybe those who travel business class all the time take it for granted, but seeing as it was my first real time, I was quite blown away. Now before you begin to wonder how in the hell I managed to afford those tickets, I'll just tell you that I bought them using United Miles that I got as a bonus for signing up for a credit card. Boom, system defeated.
I'm usually cramped and completely miserable in airplane seats, but this was more like sitting in one of those massage chairs from the Sharper Image than anything else. The seats were about twice as wide as a normal one, and at the push of button, it could recline to be nearly completely flat. Turning the seat into a makeshift bed.
Since this was my first time heading to Asia, the awesomely traditional respective culture took me by surprise. As the various passengers were getting settled in their reclining thrones, the "hospitality manager", or as I liked to refer to him as, The Head Flight Attendant Guru came up to each of us individually to welcome us on board. He would walk up to your futuristic seating apparatus, bow so low that his nose could sniff up crumbs from the floor and tell each passenger how thrilled and honored he was to have us on board. Most passengers were Korean, and so these 30 second conversations were spoken in Korean. When he came up to me, he lasted about 10 seconds in Korean before switching to English, at which point I stopped smiling at him like an idiot. Oh yeah, before boarding the plane, I ate some McDonald's at the airport. Daddy needs his medicine. And daddy's medicine is hidden inside all Big Macs.
After the flight attendants came by with champagne and orange juice, it was time for the safety demonstration. All of a sudden, all 4 flight attendants in our section started a crazy choreographed safety dance thing. Picture 4 Korean women of the same height, all dressed identical, with exact matching haircuts doing a synchronized walking and movement exercise. It was like watching robot clones do a dance. And anyone who knows me knows I love watching robot clones dance.
After takeoff, they asked us if we wanted a cocktail, wine or beer. I said yes, and she brought me all three.
Dinner was served shortly thereafter. I say dinner, but it was more like a 5 course meal with shrimp,scallops, pate, tomatoes/mozzarella, filet mignon, bread, fruit and cheesecake. It was no McDonalds but it wasn't bad.
So after stuffing my face like an ogre, having 3 drinks, and finishing off dinner with some sleepy chamomile tea, I figured it was as good a time as any to try and get some shut-eye. Also I had slept 1.5 hours in the last two days, so I was starting to hear buzzing everywhere and little gnats kept appearing in the corners of my vision. So I took a melatonin (gives me insanely crazy vivid dreams), put in some earplugs and one of those sleepmasks they gave me, pulled my hoodie tight around my head, reclined the seat and went to sleep. After uncomfortably tossing and turning for 30 minutes, I realized it was impossible for me to fall asleep. I took off my sleeping gear, checked my watch and slowly realized I had been sleeping for over 6 hours. The vivid dream this time was that I wasn't able to fall asleep. Melatonin is wack kids, stay in school.
At one point, I clicked the flight attendant button to ask for some Ramen. My finger had hardly enough time to release the button when one of the ladies jumped out from behind the curtain to sprint to my aide. I can now understand why everyone wants to be King. I had tasted power, and that button fueled the fire. No one man should have all that power.
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I had a short layover in the Seoul airport where I took a free shower that they offer. Unfortunately, I did not immediately find a McDonalds, so now I run the risk of dying without ever knowing what dipping sauces are available with Korean chicken McNuggets.
I did get to witness airport employees riding around on super fast electronic carts, pushing brooms.
In post-war South Korea, brooms sweep you!
9 hours later, near 2am local time, I made it to my hotel in Bangkok, and went to bed.
The next morning, I wanted to leave the airport zone to go to the famous Khaosan Road. But right when I was about to check out, the hotel spa was offering "traditional Thai massages" for 300 Baht ($10). I jumped on the occasion and for the next hour, I had a tiny Thai woman walk on my back, pop all of my joints and generally twist me up like a pretzel. . . Now let's just address the elephant in the room. SPOILER ALERT: there was no hand relief or happy ending. But that was a serious concern I had! Maybe the hotel masseuses don't want to give the tourists too much too fast.
After the massage, I took a cab to Khaosan Road. This is known locally as the "Backpackers Ghetto." It's just a neighborhood filled with bars, restaurants, and very cheap accommodation. There are some much fancier rooms available there for the EXHORBERANT price of $22 a night, but most backpackers tend to stay in "guesthouses" or hostels. These are places with a large common area, usually also a bar/restaurant and many individual or dorm-style rooms. The two different guesthouses I stayed in were quite similar. I had my own small room with nothing in it but a fan and small bed/cot. There was a thin sheet stretched across the top of the mattress and they gave me a towel and blanket upon checking in. Both times there was a shared toilet and shower on each floor. The first night was $9 and the second place was $6 (no water heater in the shower).
If You're wondering why clothes are hanging from the fan, stop wondering and mind your own business!
I keep seeing locals pick their nose in public. Just jamming a finger so far up their nostril, it threatened to pop out of their eye. I haven't taken a picture yet, but I'm on a mission to catch one in the act.
That day I pretty much just wondered around the neighborhood, walking to the different temples and parks in the area. I stumbled into a school for monks. There were several men, all dressed in the same orange robe and sandals, sporting the same shaved-bald haircut. Apparently the original Buddha was a prince that gave away all of his things and cut his hair off, so it's a remnant of that.
As a size reference, there is an elephant by the cocks feet. But that rooster is sooo massive, that the elephant is much too small to see.
I kept walking further and further into a dark secluded alley, when it became obvious that I would soon hit a dead end. There were no longer any tourists, just locals sleeping on the sidewalks with their equally homeless dogs. Common sense told to turn around. Common sense is for hookers and fat people. So I ignored the feeling and kept right on going. Right before I hit the dead end, I fell across this hidden gem.
It was a local Muay Thai gym. I stopped and watched them spar for a little bit, then asked them if they taught classes. I was told to return the next morning at 7:15am.
That next day was awesome. Within two hours of training, I had ascended the ranks and peaked after having achieved the title of Grand Master Sensei Dojo "Most Def" Heavyweight Champion of Bangkok.
I can't overstate exactly how inexpensive Bangkok is. The people are very friendly and besides the tuk tuk drivers (tuktuks are a sort of big tricycle with a bench in the back for about 3 passengers), they don't seem to overcharge me for things like in other countries (read Mexico).
I am constantly buying fresh squeezed orange or pomegranate juice, for about $1 each. While there are traditional restaurants around, most local people and tourists eat the street food. Nothing costs more than $1.5 and you can get a variety of food. Anything from pad Thai, fried rice, or grilled meat on a stick to deep fried scorpions, cockroaches, or fish heads.
There are currently massive protests in Bangkok. The protesters want the current government to step down, for reasons that are not important to foreigners. The news in the US make it sound incredibly dangerous, but everything I've seen has been very peaceful. The only exception being some crazy dude who threw a grenade into the crowd of protesters, killing 2 and injuring 30. I didn't know this, and happened to be at that exact same spot 1 hour later with my Thai friend, Por. In fact, I even went deep into the protests to get up close and personal, National Geographic style. Here are some pictures.
Government buildings have beefed up their security as a result, putting up razor wire around key offices. But in the spirit of the holiday season, they decorated the razor wire with colorful strips of ribbon. The Thai are very nice and thoughtful.
When I changed guesthouses, I started talking to these two girls that had a room next to mine. They were cute and friendly German girls who had just gotten to Bangkok the night before. We spent the rest of that day exploring Bangkok together. We hired a tuktuk to take us to various temples and parks. We even took a water boat-bus in one of the city's rivers. Their ATM card didn't work so I loaned them some money. They asked me why I trusted them, since we had just met an hour earlier. "I know where you sleep" I replied.
That night, we ate some pad Thai, and started drinking the local Thai beer, Chang, "The Pride of Thailand."
But I digress...at some point in the night, someone mentions a pingpong show. Pingpong shows are to Bangkok, as a Broadway musical is to NYC; if you don't go to these, you're either broke or doing it wrong.
For those who do not have any prior knowledge on this subject, allow m to enlighten you. What I had heard was that these shows involve a classy lady of the night with the ability to projectile vomit pingpong balls from her vagina.
Oh if only that's all it was. All 7 of us, 3 guys and 4 girls, drunkenly cram into one taxi and yell "PING PONG SHOW" at the driver.
What awaited us was shocking and scarring for the girls, one of the German guys was confused, one was unimpressed, and the other two and myself were clapping and yelling like we were at a concert. Put more precisely, it was a sex Cirque du Soleil show.
P#$$√ Magic tricks.
Most of it was actually quite gross, and I would not go again. Just like the musical, "Cats", on Broadway.
A place called NaNa plaza was near the show. It is one of the many red light districts of Bangkok. It is crawling with ladyboy prostitutes, who actually scare the s#^t out of me.
One of the ladyboys touched my shirt while i was at an ATM.
"IT TOUCHED ME!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.
We had one drink in a bar there, but left quickly. It's a little weird...the entire place is filled with middle aged white men with young Thai girls on their laps.
Which reminds me of a joke about those men:
"They like their women like they enjoy their whiskey...
...Twelve years old and on coke."
Afterwards we went to a bar by our hotel and kept hanging out till 5am or so. The next day I was supposed to meet my friend Por for rock climbing. Hungover and exhausted.
I learned two Thai phrases: "hello" and "thank you."
I'm still trying to learn "I don't speak Thai, but I understand everything!"
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